Dear Miss Lonelyhearts
Dove, My Darling -
By the time you read this, I'll be gone. I've tacked this to the door of my flat, and hopefully no errant junkie has stolen it to... I don't suppose it matters anymore. I don't suppose any of it does.
When we began this adventure, it was with hearts full of hope and dreams carried on the backs of all boys wishing to become men along the highways of ritual and religion. Now, all I can say is I'm exhausted by the idea of churning out one more apology with you, to those who were once not wishing for apology.
I suppose I no longer have the stomach for any of it, for them, or you, or the way your hair smells in the rain.
There's nothing within but memories, and all the holes left by our fists. You'll try to find me, but you won't be able to. Take care, my Darling.
-Mart
The Wind
Dove,
I can remember the first time I fell in love, but I cannot remember with whom it was. I was very young, standing alone in a schoolyard, all of seven. I had my arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders, and I thought to myself, this is what adults feel, when they say they want someone to touch them over and over, forever.
Perhaps it was only me, there.
I hope you're well.
-Mart
Me And A Gun
Dove,
Well, it was just one of those things, wasn't it?
-Mar
Motherless Child
I packed mostly your clothes, and they're all long through the inseam on me, and I roll them so as not to look as though I am drowning.
But it's a lie, isn't it? For I am drowning.
I lost my sunglasses that Thursday, and so I replaced them. This new pair has white frames, and are too large for my face, but you'd like them very much. I might try what you told me to do once, and eat only the things you love, until I'm quite sick of it.
One would almost think I missed you.
- Whosoever You've Been Dreaming Of
Adult
David,
Have we lost so much of the time already? I had only just begun, and suddenly, I turned round to find a stranger, there behind me, and calling him your name. What a dreadful trick. What a dreadful world, and I've grown up, and didn't know it.
-Martin
Clean
Dave,
I want to be like my brother, more than anything else. I want to find something withing me which is untouched by mark or madness, and hold tight to it for the preservation of something. I would like to have a soul, I think I'm saying. I watch him walk with his shoulders square, opening the door of his red sports car, his face stern in the afternoon light. What I'd like is to feel what he feels in that moment; a pure and thoughtless acceptance of who he will die trying to become.
-Mart
The Old Man's Back Again
Dove,
I received your cable in the early morning, as I was making coffee. Now I am driving back to you, in what I imagine is an hour of great need, but I know that the first thing I tell you will be that the need was mine, Darling.
We are servants of the devil, Dove. All we can do is run.
-M
Sweet Dreams, TN
Your apartment is a hellhole of the smell of you, smack-sick fiend which you've become. From the moment I arrive, your clammy hands clutch mine; the vomit crusting the edges of your mouth smashing into mine as we kiss, and you beg me to stay, and I stroke your hair, shivering with your whole body against mine. I've come home Darling, and I won't leave again.
-Mart
Dangerous
D-
Cumming inside you is something I enjoy having you sing about, immensely.
-M
Blue Dress
Dove,
Last night, whilst onstage together, I became the same girl I always do for you. We framed the photograph of the dress, and I have it hung beside you in my bedroom. I can for a moment stop the endless devouring of my fingernails, and tease my flop of hair into something which you'd like.
Would you show me off, somewhere downtown? You never have before, preferring instead to keep me under the lock and key of your... constant whims. And I do love them.
-Mar
Black Water
Dave,
On a stage, I feel so self-conscious. Surely they think they will be receiving some Elvis Presley, some careless crooner who knows the shine of the enamel better than I. The best I could ever hope to achieve is something sweetly comical, something where none of the notes meet to make love the way they do within you.
You're an artist, you know, despite all I've said.
-M
Lady
Dove,
I have white satin gloves, and a white orchid for my hair. I have a blue dress, and blue stilettos. There is a place I have seen and done it all, and the world holds no more joy for me. It's in this place that I am waiting for you to join me. But I would never let you.
There are some places we winnow ourselves which are close and hopeless, and it's being alone there which is the one consolation to us; that we may never be found in the places we have winnowed ourselves. That no one will know the names of the ghosts which haunt us, nor the enticements they tempt us with; the personal hells we are the constant architects of.
It's from this place I will be calling for you, always, and as certainly will run from you when you come near.
-M
I Feel Blue
Dove,
Follow me down streets of rain and gentle peril. Follow me to places where I'm beckoned by the ghosts who know my name.
-M
Jailbirds
Dove,
For surely I will die here without you.
-Mart
What Are You Doing
Dove,
Marry me, won't you?
Oh, for fuck's sake, even a glance in my direction.
-M
Chameleon Day
Dave,
Your shivering hips sway lithe across the black space of my dreams. We are taken to some nameless space craft where you are worshiped like a god.
And other strange dreams.
Good morning,
Martin
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