The Shrine 4

June 29th, 2015

Jack,

I went home when Adam asked me to, and we fucked again.

Is this what life is?  Adam asks to come home or I do, and we fuck again.  I'm not... I'm not bored with you, Adam, I'm... just... trapped.

I have a wedding ring he gave me that I never wear because it means we're some dragon king and queen.  He has a wedding ring I gave him that he never wears because it doesn't fit around his waist, or his throat, or it isn't red, or he can still breathe and what's the point, Evelyn, I'm all of yours, anyway.

I don't understand this man I married.  Not in way that means I don't, but one that means I do and never will at the same time.  I don't understand how this happened to me, that Adam said come home, and we fucked again.

Dear God, Adam said come home, and we fucked again.  Is this what life is?  Bonnie asked Clyde that, but maybe there's no difference.

If I was a child and you asked me to show you on the doll where Adam goes, I would point to the soft and anatomically accurate vagina of the neutrally-smiling blonde little girl doll.  If you asked me why, I would tell you because.  If you asked me what part of Adam goes there, I would hold your brown-haired boy doll and look from one to the other, and finally back at you, confused, and unable to locate his soul, his sleep, his sense of connection to life, or his certainty of death.

Adam's shoulders flex, over me, and his mouth finds mine, and he pushes his cock inside me, and he makes a hot sound in his throat that is a growl that matches my name.  Inside, I write with the salience of a teenager how he broke my heart on pages of a diary I won't show another... living... soul.

You broke my heart, Adam Edison Jones.  And I hate you for it.

I have learned over the past few years that there is nothing more humiliating than being totally in love with someone.  I wonder, the way I do without any revelation, how Bonnie knew, how long Bonnie knew, how long Bonnie was trying to tell me, because Bonnie says...

I love Adam in a way that makes me not matter, and I hissed it to him angry in his ear last night before I sunk my right incisor into the flesh of his left shoulder and he growled low in his chest.  You make me not matter.

How Evelyn?  How don't you matter?  Tell me.

He hissed it back in a voice that glittered with the rasp of his saliva hot in his mouth.  Maybe all humans but us treat love like a competition for survival, and between Adam and I there is just a desire, or some programmed need, for ultimate and crushing defeat.

I don't matter without you.  I don't matter, I barely exist.  You're every word I have in my heart.  Do you know how you humiliate me?

His eyes narrow like I challenged him; like he's angry.

Every word, Evelyn?

He fucks me against the floor, and I know it's a solid surface enough that it would never give or give way to allow me the room I need to make his cock stop hurting me.  I squirm and push him away, and he locks himself around me with his arms.

Every.  Word.  Evelyn?

He almost yells it at me, out of spite.  Out of a sense of how dare I?  Wouldn't he know what that meant, more than anyone?  That humiliation of a boy who knows he doesn't matter without Eve, and yet he doesn't know her and has to wait, fucking WAIT, for her to come to him SOMEDAY.  I cum hard around him, and he holds himself deep inside me to feel the way I throb and contract.  I don't meet his eyes.  Don't talk about that boy, Adam.  Please, don't talk about him, it's breaking my heart.

I'm so pathetic without you.  I'm so pathetic without you, and with you, I know just how pathetic I am, because you... made a spine inside me.

He turns me over, my knees hitting against the wood of the floor.  I kiss the plank doused with my sweat and he slides slow inside me, his hands on either hip.  Nick is talking, or not talking.  Telling him how fast to go.  How could you do this to me?  A tear slips down my nose, and hangs there, before falling.

But how could you do this to me?

He asks me what, Evelyn?  What did I do to you?

You touched everything inside me.  Why did you do that?  Why would you do that?  Why are you the thing that exists when nothing else exists?

He cums inside me, his voice choking on the heat of the tears of his reply.

We don't know how else to be.

I turn over beneath him, and he falls on my chest.  I wish you were dead.  I wish you died on me.  I wish I killed you.  I wish you were the air I breathe.  I wish there was a way out.  I wish there was no way out.  Adam, did we do something?  Did we do something bad?

The limits of human kindness are often found in the unnoticed act, Evelyn.

I don't know what that means.  Tell me what that means, please.  You're the only person who can tell me what fucking anything means.

It doesn't matter what we did, Evelyn, we will die unnoticed by the world.

The finality of his tone and what it suggests to me, that we are a circuit that is closed to all of the world but us, that the beating of my heart is heard only by him and vice versa, opens my thoughts like a cloud holding rain.  How long did Bonnie know?  How long has Bonnie been trying to tell me?  How did Bonnie know?  Does she know where I am?  Why do I feel like the end of the world?  I'm full of some kind of certainty.  An unfair knowledge that I stole or heard on the radio somewhere.  He meant it to be a comfort, but in this moment, it's the sound of dying, dying here under Adam.  All you need is love.  All you need is love.  All you need is love.

-Evelyn